Lizet's Place

Monday I went to the hospital to register for my upcoming surgery and take a COVID test. I was told I'd have the results in 2-3 days and that if the hospital called, that means the test was positive, but if I get no call, it was negative. I was given paperwork with information on what to do and where to go the morning of my surgery.

Tuesday we dealt with stuff for Kim.

Wednesday we dealt with more stuff for Kim.

Then the hospital called. Oh god! But no! It was good. The hospital was just confirming information from the registration and informing me that my insurance would be covering the surgery so I don't have to pay for anything.

While we were out for Kim's appt, my Doctor's office called. Another oh god moment, but this time to tell me that the doctor wanted to do the surgery earlier, so I had to come in earlier. I blame John and Colleen for this. They both said I was "lucky" for it being later in the day (10am) because when they had theirs, it was at 6 or 7 in the morning. *rolls eyes hard* So the nurse at my doctor's office said he wants to do it earlier which means I have to be at the hospital earlier...which means waking up earlier.

And on top of that, still with the 2 showers before. Once tonight and I use an antiseptic skin cleanser, then the morning of, again with the antiseptic skin cleanser. I can't put on any lotions/moisturizers, deodorant, or body spray. My skin is going to be so dry and hate me come Saturday.

Anyway, there was some drama with my family. specifically between me, mom, and my sister. Whatever. My sister can pick up the phone to call or text me just as easily as I can...and I shouldn't always be the one to have to do it.

I mean, FFS, my sister-in-law is on vacation IN SPAIN and she sent me a text on Monday as I was leaving the hospital asking how I was doing and who was going to be with me while everything was going on. And she said she was going to check up on me after to see how I was. Has my blood sister done that? Nope. No offer to take me to/from the hospital, just a "thanks for letting me know. let me know if you need anything." How about for you to be a sister? You're my big sister! You're supposed to be checking how I'm doing not telling me that you have work, thus making it seem like work is more important than I am! And I'm not saying that she could have or should have called out of work to help me, but she could have offered.

And the icing on the fucking cake is my mom telling me that I need to ask my sister if I'm important to her because it's important for me to know. That made me feel like my feelings don't matter. Then my mom tells me that my sister has been telling her the same thing - that I don't reply to her calls or message. FUCK THAT! The last time my I talked to my sister was in May when she asked if I wanted to go back to San Diego with them and meet up with my brother for dinner, but I couldn't because Kim was just discharged from the skilled nursing facility and there's no way Colleen would have been able to move Kim around and lift her if she falls. Since then, there were other outings, which she is not obligated to invite me to or tell me about, but there was lunch with the cousins that I had no idea about.

Again, whatever. My mom needs to accept that my sister and I are not close. We have never been close (with the exception of when I was little and she "took me everywhere") and probably never will be close. That's just how it is. If my mom wanted us to be close, she should have pushed for my sister to come to more of our family things...hell we should have had more family things but whenever I suggested doing something as a family, my parents said no. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Anyway. Surgery tomorrow. I have to be up at 4am to shower and be ready to leave between 5:30-5:45am to be at the hospital by 7am for 9am surgery. I'll have my phone and portable charger for the waiting. I should be home sometime in the early afternoon.

I'm going to go have lunch now.

 I was getting ready to go see my dad at rehab and the nurse I was on hold with said therewere a lot of nurses around my dad and theymight be calling the paramedics. I called my sister since she was closer, got in the car and drove to the facility. As I got there I saw an ambulance and fire truck. My sister's suv was also there. The ambulance drove off and I thought my sister was with them but she was clearing his room.

Long story short, he was complaining that his leg was painful to the touch and his left dide was weaker.

We're at the hospital now. My sister is back with him. He was getting a chest x-ray. That was 15 mins ago and so far no update.



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Let me start out by saying, I hate going to the hospital. Going to visit someone who has just had a baby, I'd got no problem with, but for the other...it gets under my skin and creeps me out.

I was with some friends and they went to the hospital for one of their friends who was dying, like last minutes/hours of life, and I was freaking out. I was on the verge of having a panic attack and no one really noticed, which is understandable because their friend was dying. It was like an hour later when they were ready to leave that they noticed I wasn't in the room anymore. So where was I? Outside in the freezing cold, crying because I couldn't tell them and didn't have a way to call my parents to come get me. Even thinking about it now, makes me cry.

Then another time I was at the hospital was when my pastor was dying. Not the one who just died, but the one before him. This pastor either had pancreatic cancer or colon cancer and I think less than 6 months after his diagnosis, he died. I was at the hospital maybe a week before he died, feeling the same way I did the last time I was at the hospital when someone was dying.

Also, all while my other pastor was in the hospital, I never went to visit him. I knew he was dying and that would have probably completely broken me. Lora, Staci and Tina (the pastor's wife) understood. I never mentioned it to them, but I simply told them going to the hospital made me uncomfortable and they took my word at that.

Now for the point of this.

My dad has been having problems with his colon. The doctors have ruled out colon cancer but my dad has an enlarged prostate. Wednesday he's going in for surgery to reduce/shrink/whatever his prostate. The way my mom explained it led me to believe it was going to be like an in and out thing when he had to have his catheter fixed/replaced. But in talking to my dad this morning, he was saying how he didn't know how he was going to feel after the surgery on Wednesday and whether he would be out of the hospital by Friday or Saturday.

Umm what? I didn't ask what he meant by that because all I could think was "would it make me a bad daughter if I chose not to go to the hospital?"

My mom sort of understand my fear/dislike of going to the hospital and by all accounts, there's no reason for me to be worried about my dad dying or anything, but just the thought of going to see him after the surgery freaks me out.

I guess, though, I have a good "excuse" for not being there. It's the final 2 weeks of my classes. We're reviewing for the finals that will be happening the following week and I don't want to miss that.



This entry was originally posted at http://simplyn2deep.dreamwidth.org/73598.html. You can comment here or there. Sometimes I lock entries. no biggie. add me as a friend if you want to see.
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