so it's one of those

[simplyn2deep]

Let me start out by saying, I hate going to the hospital. Going to visit someone who has just had a baby, I'd got no problem with, but for the other...it gets under my skin and creeps me out.

I was with some friends and they went to the hospital for one of their friends who was dying, like last minutes/hours of life, and I was freaking out. I was on the verge of having a panic attack and no one really noticed, which is understandable because their friend was dying. It was like an hour later when they were ready to leave that they noticed I wasn't in the room anymore. So where was I? Outside in the freezing cold, crying because I couldn't tell them and didn't have a way to call my parents to come get me. Even thinking about it now, makes me cry.

Then another time I was at the hospital was when my pastor was dying. Not the one who just died, but the one before him. This pastor either had pancreatic cancer or colon cancer and I think less than 6 months after his diagnosis, he died. I was at the hospital maybe a week before he died, feeling the same way I did the last time I was at the hospital when someone was dying.

Also, all while my other pastor was in the hospital, I never went to visit him. I knew he was dying and that would have probably completely broken me. Lora, Staci and Tina (the pastor's wife) understood. I never mentioned it to them, but I simply told them going to the hospital made me uncomfortable and they took my word at that.

Now for the point of this.

My dad has been having problems with his colon. The doctors have ruled out colon cancer but my dad has an enlarged prostate. Wednesday he's going in for surgery to reduce/shrink/whatever his prostate. The way my mom explained it led me to believe it was going to be like an in and out thing when he had to have his catheter fixed/replaced. But in talking to my dad this morning, he was saying how he didn't know how he was going to feel after the surgery on Wednesday and whether he would be out of the hospital by Friday or Saturday.

Umm what? I didn't ask what he meant by that because all I could think was "would it make me a bad daughter if I chose not to go to the hospital?"

My mom sort of understand my fear/dislike of going to the hospital and by all accounts, there's no reason for me to be worried about my dad dying or anything, but just the thought of going to see him after the surgery freaks me out.

I guess, though, I have a good "excuse" for not being there. It's the final 2 weeks of my classes. We're reviewing for the finals that will be happening the following week and I don't want to miss that.



This entry was originally posted at http://simplyn2deep.dreamwidth.org/73598.html. You can comment here or there. Sometimes I lock entries. no biggie. add me as a friend if you want to see.
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comments

Comments

[sharpiesgal.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

My dad is the opposite. He has never wanted me to come see him in the hospital, even when he had by-pass surgery. I don't know if he does this because he doesn't want to be seen as weak or if he gets that I'm not good with hospitals, but will go because I'm a supportive person.

Anyway, sending good vibes to you and your dad, and wishing him a quick recovery.

[simplyn2deep.livejournal.com]

thank you

[mommy-egats.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's an issue if you choose not to go the day of the surgery. Now if things don't go as planned and he needs to stay, perhaps consider a visit at that point. Otherwise I'd say no one should give you a hard time for not going. There isn't much you could do anyway you would only be allowed to see him after he was prepped, and then when he was out of anesthesia and getting ready to be released. I've had enough surgeries I know the drill so to speak lol!

There was one time I was in the ER and a woman came in screaming that her mother wasn't breathing in the car. The orderlies carried her in and they worked on her for about 45 minutes. The feelings I felt were inexplicable honestly. I was anxious, sad, scared, etc. When they came out and told the daughter she had passed I had known it all along it just was something I knew it was kinda creepy. When they took me past her room to go to a triage room I was like PLEASE HURRY. I just didn't like it at all.

[simplyn2deep.livejournal.com]

I don't even know if it's an in and out kind of surgery. He goes in Wednesday at 530am and I don't know if he's supposed to be home that same day or if he'll be in over night. If he's in overnight, Thursday would be a better day for me to go to the hospital since that's my early day from school

[simplyn2deep.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I think I need to talk to my dad about it, get an idea for how long he's going to be possibly be in and decide for myself if I should go visit him